mysophobia 潔癖

Nastiness Diagnosis. Anthropology. Religion. Gender. Justice. A Personal Notepad For the General Public.

媳婦 Daughter-in-Law

scarlet-letter.jpg

I decided that however busy I would be, I still need to squeeze out some time to think, for real, in Mandarin in its written form, furnished with its tonal rhythm, and beaten by its memorial legacy.
It’s not totally without rhyme or reason, but it’s mainly not a story of logic.
我曾經以為有多次我已經避開了許多磨難,因為人們的幫助。因為所愛的人無私的支持。沒有了這些,我早已不在人世。或者更慘,一敗塗地。但我不斷地受到那該死的神的呼召與啟示,那便是,我必須接受這些磨難,我必須接受我自己的失敗。我必須聆聽我的罪狀,凝視我的紅字,每一個夜晚,每一個世界迎接的或不請自來的早晨。
陽光,空氣,水,與罪。
There are many times I thought I luckily avoided a lot of disasters, because of people’s help. Because of the selfless support of my beloved. Without these, long ago, I should have disappeared in this world. Or worse, I would have skewed up the whole thing, a total failure. Yet with the constant, or intermittent, oracle or revelation from the God-damn-IT God — it is declared that it is obligatory to accept my failure. It is mandatory to hear the sounds that articulate my indictment and to stare at my scarlet letter at every single night, in each morning that is welcome or uninvited by the world.
Sunlight, air, water, and sin.


我的第一個罪狀,便是我總以為我是善意的對待他人,從中獲取利益,卻只收錄了第一種故事的版本,如考古遺跡地難以辨認,卻成了唯一的線索與再也不可能重建的探索過程。一旦探索,也就摧毀的自我認知過程。
My first sin is that I always assume that I am being kind to others, while benefiting from it. Yet only the first part of the story is compiled into an anthology of me, hard to recognize as an archeological site, a process in which the only clue to discover patterns is also a way that must destroy the possibility of its reconstruction.
我以為所做的一切都是為了別人好,即使那是潛在地對自己好。
I thought what I did was for other’s good. Even if that was also for my good.
我把自己變成了最悲慘的故事的主角。我把所有痛苦放大,如同一個從來不知道痛苦為何的人類,初次被籠罩征服在痛苦之下,有這種罕見地珍貴的疾病的墮落凡間的天使–一個不負責任而自命清高的妄想者。
I turned myself into the most tragic protagonist. I enlarged all pains, like someone who had never known what a pain is, for the first time being conquered by it, an angel that had been fallen with this rare and precious disease– an irresponsible illusionist who thought she was aloof from mundane rules and worldly wisdom.
於是便沒有人可以責怪我。沒有人應該責怪最悲慘的人。沒有人應該責怪墜落的天使。沒有人可以數落我,因為我已經奉獻了自己,無視於自己的獲利與苟且偷安,無限制地自由的理性化,不加思考的自由。因為我已經在內心深處鞭笞那所剩無幾被世界勉強地出產又時常勉強地回收的自我。不應該再有人再來怪罪於我。因所有的罪都已被發明。
Thereby nobody should have ever blamed me. No one should have blamed the most miserable one. No one should have condemned the fallen angel. No one should have scolded me and enumerated my wrong-doings, because I had sacrificed myself, being blind to my benefits while seeking temporary peace, unlimitedly rationalizing, unthinkingly free. Because I had flagellated the self, a self that had been more often than not grudgingly produced, fragmented, and recycled. No one should have come and blame me. Because all sins were already invented.
這便是我的第一個罪。
That is my first sin.

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This entry was posted on August 25, 2009 by in 雜Variety.
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