mysophobia 潔癖

Nastiness Diagnosis. Anthropology. Religion. Gender. Justice. A Personal Notepad For the General Public.


Because when things get wrong, you blame yourself.

Things always change beyond recognition. So fast. Why is it so hard to recall the stirred heart that yearned for a departure? She had a realization yesterday. That she could not remember any motivation of departure that she chose to embrace. Something that used to be there, but at the moment faded away.
At the time maybe the departure gave her a hope to keep going. To grow and transform. She thought there might be some goals to be discovered in the destination. Or maybe the departure always constituted a goal.
But for months she have failed to recall the sense of goal that she used to hold on to, a star representing transcendence. She had held the vision about the existence of such transcendence for years before she could make a decision. She had been a coward before mistakes were not accumulated enough to make remedy impossible.
Yet she was not set free. Last night in her dream she saw what she had lost. The smile, the eyes, the round shoulders. The confided. But it’s not a sense of loss that makes it hard. It is the loss of belongingness. But it is none of the things written down so far.
Irony of fate. She used to doubt whether she always wanted something lost. But it turned out untrue. Superficial guess. She hated the closing dream in 8 1/2 so much, but why she seemed to have such a wishful completion of life in imagination?
It’s not. Not the things above.


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This entry was posted on April 27, 2010 by in 雜Variety.
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